Staring Death in the eye
by Titels
Summary: After nearly dying in a subway accident, Harry starts to feel angry at everything. But when his hospital room-mate's friend comes over, something changes. Also, what does Death have to do with it all? DMHP and others, OOC, AU, non-magic.
1. Chapter 1

_Hi everyone! _

_I told myself that I wouldn't start another story before the previous 2 are completed, but here I go anyway. Stupid plot bunnies. Well, this means my updates will be even more infrequent.. crap. _

_Well, I can't help it. This little piece demanded to be written. So I hope you enjoy it!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I have simply borrowed her characters for a little while.  
_

**Staring Death in the eye**

**Prologue**

Did you know that if you look death in the eye, you will die?

I was painstakingly aware of that as he sat opposite of me in the subway, eyes gleaming under the baseball cap he was wearing. Of course, he doesn't look the way most of you would imagine. No black robe and he's not a skeleton. At least not all the time. That day he had quite a casual look, a young man dressed in jeans, t-shirt and a cap. And he was watching me with those strange eyes of his. Not that anyone else on the train seemed to notice, of course. Humans do not notice him, unless it's their time to die. It's safer that way, really.

The only reason as to why I noticed him was... well, I don't know actually. The first time I saw him was when he came for my mum and dad. At least he tells me so, that I looked at him with big green baby eyes and gurgled. So basically what I say is that I've been able to see him all my life. Popping up across the street when there has been a car accident, walking past me in the corridors of hospitals, those kind of events. But now someone was going to die in the subway, and that made me a bit uncomfortable. There had always been a barrier between me and him, or the concept he stood for, a wall or separation by distance, but now...

It would be someone real close to me, too. He always appeared close to where the victim was, and he always took them away the second their last breath left them.

Who was it? I wondered, giving the compartment an antsy look around. There was an old woman to his right, and she might get an heart-attack at any moment, right? Though she looked fairly healthy, ramrod straight in the back and an awake look in her eyes.

Was it the businessman on his other side then? He was sickly pale from too much inside work and his shoulders were hanging. But no, that didn't make much sense. Death always appeared in some way that would be appealing to his client, a manifestation of what they expected or something that might comfort them, for some reason. I had asked him once why that was, and his answer had simply been that it was easier when they wouldn't fight or question him. And there I had been, hoping that he would have some far-fetched sense of sympathy for the people who died.

But it wasn't time for that at the moment. I needed to know who was going to die so I could move far far away from them. Preferably even get of at the next stop. And wasn't that a great idea? Instead of speculating who it might be, I ought to have gone up and went to the doorway. It would leave some distance, right?

Standing up, his strange, millennia voice echoed out a command.

"_Sit down."_

And I did, just in time to be heavily jerked to the side as the train met another. We weren't going at full speed, and I was in the back of the compartment, but the crash was enough to send me flying,moaning in pain as my back hit the train and then everything went black as my head swiftly followed.

The compartment was in chaos when I regained consciousness, blood splattered the walls and people laid either moaning or completely silent. I stared at the destruction in horror. I laid just by the door, the glass had broken as the train had de-tracked and hit the wall, and just in front of me someone laid impaled by a piece of glass.

I wanted to puke. I wanted to, but I couldn't because my body felt too heavy to move and even my heart and lungs seemed to have troubles to keep on working. As I laid there, breathing in short gasps, I could see him approaching. The only one in the train who wasn't hurt or dead. He knelled in front of me, next to the dead person I was staring at, and touched the corpse- and that was it. The man was irrevocably dead. This time I did puke, arms fighting I managed to heave myself over the side and my mouth filled with warm, stinking bile.

I wanted to ask him why? Why I was still alive, why he hadn't allowed me to die, as I surely would have if I had stood up. But the stream of puke stopped my questions, but he answered them either way.

"_It wasn't your time to die."_

And then I wondered, looking at the man in front of me, why that was okay? Why I couldn't have done something to stop it, why all I had been thinking had been selfish feelings and not even one thought for the person who's life would end. And I wanted to die, but he wouldn't let me. I grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled down, and it changed between my fingers as he made his preparation for the next victim, and he shook them of.

"_It is not your time yet."_

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 1, hospitals and hatred**

I ended up at a local hospital, silent and sullen. The nurses believed it to be caused by shock from the accident, and perhaps they were right. But no matter the reason, I snapped out at all and everyone that came to visit me. Even Ron and Hermione weren't spared from my tongue, and the first time they came to visit I made Hermione run out of the room in tears. It took a long, long time until they spoke to me again, and they never visited at the hospital again. So, after quite a short amount of time I spent my time with eating, sleeping and lashing out at the nurses.

If it wasn't for the gravity of my injuries I am sure they would have sent me home with a bottle of disinfectant and some bandages after a day. But to their despair I had broke my back, but luckily only the spinal bones and not the cord. I would be fine, they told me, but I would have to remain at the hospital until it had completely healed over. I even had to be sent to surgery in order to stabilise the spine.

When my back had healed up enough for me to be able to move around, they moved me to a room with another patient in it. Perhaps they did it out of spite, or maybe so that I would go to the physical rehabilitation happily, for they placed me in the room of Blaise Zabini, a man who regarded me as an insect not worthy to touch the ground he had stepped on.

"What is this?" he exclaimed the moment I was wheeled into the room and settled on the empty bed in the room. "I refuse to share room with some peasant!"

"Now, now, Mr. Zabini, please take it easy." the nurse pleaded with him, "You know that all patients that are here long term must share a room. It doesn't matter who your father is or how much money he has, I'm afraid."

I found that I had an instant dislike for the boy, mainly because he called me a peasant the first thing he did but also because of the fact that he constantly had company. His father and mother arrived with a mountain of gifts, flowers, snacks, books and other entertainment. Their lavishing upon him annoyed me to no end, but mostly I hated him for the fact that they were still there. He had a mother and a father. They visited every day and I could basically smell the love they had for him in the air. And it made me wonder. Where were my family? Not that I particular wanted aunt Petunia and Vernon to come, but it would have been nice to know that they cared.

Zabini's friends came over too, laughing loudly where they stood in a circle around his bed. And where were mine? I had scared them all away with my bad temper. I couldn't blame it on anyone else, but the seething hatred that flowed in my veins wouldn't listen to reason. So I fought with him, long and hard during the times we were both there and none of his relations was visiting. I wasn't sure why I even bothered with restricting myself on that account, perhaps it was some vain hope that if they did not see my bad side, they would come to me instead, they would be laughing with me and give me gifts.

Death visited me a couple of time, thought. He always came at night when Zabini had made sure his bed was sealed closely off with the curtains and I was up reading, simply because I couldn't spend all my time sleeping. I wouldn't look at him, the feeling of disappointment always filled my breast when he was around, as if I had expected that he would kill me when I asked. As if I had expected he believed I was something special because I could see him.

"What are you doing here? Go away."

"_I came to see how you are."_

"That's real sweet of you" I answered, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "And now you can leave."

He did leave then. But it wasn't the last time he visited, and how depressed didn't that make me feel? The only one who could stand me enough to come visit more than once was Death himself. And I scorned him. I didn't want anything to do with him. And soon enough I learned that the times he visited me was when someone had died in the hospital and he needed to be there either way. I loathed him more than ever.

It was like a bad circle, a never-ending circle of hatred and disappointment. I couldn't get myself out of the bad mood, and as such none of my friends would visit me. And I hated them for leaving me here all alone, during the long months it took me to heal. My back didn't feel like it was processing either. It was all hell.

"What are you sulking about now, you stupid low-life?" Zabini taunted me from across the room.

I had been sitting and staring at my lap for what probably had been hours and I hadn't noticed that the boy returned from his rehabilitation.

"Go to hell!" I called back, "Or ask your daddy to use his _oh-so-great_ influence to move you to a hospital with separate rooms!"

Zabini's colour rose at the taunt, but I wasn't done there.

"But you know what I think? I think he can't! I read the papers too, Zabini. Seems like daddy's company is in a heap of trouble, and daddy can't even afford to place his son where he won't get tainted by peasant cooties."

"Why you...!" Zabini started to answer, but was interrupted by a low voice coming from the doorway.

"My, my, Blaise, I never knew you had such a temper...or such bad manners as to argue with your room mate."

We both turned and stared at the newcomer. I recognised him as one of Zabini's friends, but I had never bothered trying to listen in and figure out who was who and so I called him "Blondie". And he truly was blond, almost platinum locks laid neatly slicked back on his head and his eyes were such a light grey that I had never seen the like of before.

"And you," he turned to me, "Haven't your mother taught you not to talk about other peoples business?"

I actually blushed at that, for the first time embarrassed over anything I had taunted Zabini with. It wasn't the first time I had mentioned his family, because I could see how easily it roused his anger. The company must have been a sensitive issue for him, and I knew that what I told him was only empty words either way. He had a family that came to visit him, now didn't he?

"Draco, this is none of your business, either." Zabini said, with an angry gesture.

The blond only shrugged in a very fluid motion and sat on himself down on the edge of the bed.

"I only came here because I was worried the poor Zabini heir would be sad and lonely in this very droll hospital, yet I find that he is perfectly able to amuse himself. Picking a fight with such a cute boy..." I blushed sharply at that, "How very devious of him..."

"Stop your mocking, Draco!" he hissed back. "I care nothing for this hospital or of that punk!"

"Ah, how wounding your words are, Blaise." Blondie theatrically placed his hand over his heart, "Your stay in this place has turned you into a very bitter young man. A bitter young man indeed. My heart bleeds for you."

I wasn't quite sure what was happening at that time. Was I being defended by this Draco, against his own friend? I hadn't done anything to deserve defence, for I had started fights with the dark boy in the other bed just as often as he had started fights with me. But just as I started contemplating this, Zabini got up with a huff and left the room.

"Just go conspire with that damn peasant instead of bothering me! See, I'm even leaving the room to give you all the space you need!"

The door slammed behind him and Draco said. "Oh my. Think he got mad?" with a mischievous smile on his lips.

Draco never visited Zabini when I was there after that. He only came when I was away at physical rehabilitation.

"It's best not too agitate the poor boy too much." he told me as he came to visit me when Zabini was gone at rehabilitation. I loved his little visits. They managed to get me out of the slump I had been residing in for a long time and I actually felt happy again. And the situation between me and Zabini changed, somewhat. Though we still couldn't be called friends, Draco had managed to disperse the hostility between the two of us.

"Harry, I noticed you have a lot of fantasy books here, so I figured I would bring you something new to read. I hope you like it."

Draco held out a copy of _Mort_*, nervously. I accepted it gratefully, my heart filled with happiness at receiving a gift from him. I read it that night after he had gone home and laughed heartily at the way it portrayed death. That death should have a daughter was simply ridiculous. When Death himself appeared at my bedside that night made it more so hilarious.

"Haha, you don't happen to have a daughter, do you? Hidden away at whatever place you call a home?"

"_I do not have a daughter. Nor do I have a ´home´, in the way you mean."_

I turned serious quickly. Even though I didn't look at his face, in case the temptation would be too great and I would shift my eyes just a little and meet his, his voice had sounded sad for a second. Perhaps even Death had issues that he did not wish to discuss. Perhaps he had been human once?

"Hey..." I asked, "Have you always been Death?"

"_No."_ He answered and then he was gone.

* * *

Draco visited me the day after that too. He brought me a couple of oranges that he insisted on peeling for me, despite the fact that it would have been quite a good training for me.

"No, no, let me. You're sick. Let me spoil you a little."

And I couldn't deny neither him nor me the small pleasure of spoiling and being spoiled. I had never had anyone to peel my oranges, nor had anyone ever fed them to me, slice after slice of sweet fruit. At one point my lips embraced his fingers, and I though I could see a small blush spreading across his pale complexion.

"You're blushing" he whispered to me then, and ran his finger down my lips. My mouth felt dry and I swallowed audibly.

"So are you..."

His fingers found their way around my neck and lingered there.

"I guess I am..."

Then he stood up abruptly, leaving my neck tingling. Zabini had entered the room, returning from his rehab earlier than usual. He said nothing as he went to his bed and simply closed the curtains around it.

"I don't want to see what you two are up to."

At that we couldn't help but laugh, it was a laugh filled with panic and relief, bordering on being hysterical and for a long time we couldn't stop. My back hurt as I laughed and I forced myself to get my control back. Draco left after that, Zabini's comment had put things in perspective for me, most likely for the both of us. And I couldn't sleep that night as I realised that I was in love with Draco.

* * *

*_Mort_ is a novel by Terry Pratchett

_Well, how was that? Quite different relationship between Harry and Draco compared to my other story^^ well, that has it reasons. Which you'll see. And it is going quite fast at this moment. This also has it's reasons. So no need to comment that perhaps Draco and Harry's relationship is going too fast and too smooth. There is a reason for it. ^^ _

_This one is probably going to be a bit more dark than the other also. Hope no one minds that. _

_Please R&R!  
_


	2. Chapter 2

_Hello all!_

_Here's the next chapter of SDiE. Unfortunately it's a bit shorter than the first, but on the other hand, the story will start up a bit more from next chapter and on. I hope you enjoy it!_

**Chapter 2**

That same night, in the mid of all feeling fluttering around inside of me, I realised that I was missing something. Missed it so badly it hurt. I don't know if my stay at the hospital had made my brain weak, or if it was the lack of Hermione's intellect that caused my brain to cease working, but it wasn't until Death came that night that I realised what I had been missing.

"Ron!" I shouted, almost throwing myself at the figure appearing in the doorway. But he shook his head.

"_No." _

It was a voice that was impossible not to recognise.

"Oh, it's you."

I might have been disappointed, but I also realised just what it was I was missing. I told you before, didn't I? Death can appear the way people want him to appear. And right at that moment I wanted to see Ron so bad his form had been forcibly changed into it.

"You sure come to see me often, these days. Am I going to die soon, or what?" I laughed. I didn't really think it was my time to go, it felt stupid considering all the pain I had gone through ever since I went on the subway.

"_It is not."_

I shook my head at his short answer. So typical. He would probably never learn to understand sarcasm, that one. I turned over the other way, so I wouldn't have to look at him when he looked like Ron.

"I'm going to sleep now."

He didn't answer me, and I didn't look to see if he had left. I didn't quite care either way. Perhaps most people would find having Death watching you sleep creepy, but to me he was a familiar figure, even more so after my stay at the hospital. So I fell asleep and no horrors haunted my dreams. At least they didn't that night.

The next morning I fought my way out of bed to reach the hospital's payphone. What I really wanted to do was to leave to go to Ron's, but there was no way I would be able to get all the way to his home.

"You have reached The Burrow, this is Molly Weasley speaking."

"Mrs. Weasley!" I exclaimed, glad to hear her voice, "This is Harry. How are you?"

"Oh, my dear," she answered, "I'm glad to hear your voice. But I'm the one who should ask how you are! Ronald told me you were stuck at the hospital after that horrible accident. How do you feel now?"

"Oh, I'm fine, Mrs. Weasley. The rehab is going well, so I think I might be allowed to leave soon."

"I'm so glad to hear that, Harry! You must come here once they let you, you hear me! The hospital food is horrid these days and we all know you need as much nutrition as you can get. You know what? Next time Ron goes to visit you, I'll send along something nice for you to eat, al-right?"

I couldn't help but smile. Mrs. Weasley always made me feel better with her warm mothering.

"Thanks," I replied, "and speaking of Ron, could you put him on for me?"

"Yes, certainly dear. I'm was just on my way on going to wake him up, either way. Just hold on a minute while I wake him, okay?"

Of course I had no problem with that. Talking to Ron was worth a couple of minutes of waiting. But when she mentioned that it was time to wake him up I grimaced. He had such an horrible morning mood, and it didn't help that we hadn't spoke for weeks.

"...What do you want?"

"Ron!" I exclaimed, glad that he had at least chose to answer, "I'm so sorry!"

The only answer I got was a huff. It was obvious he didn't find it enough to forgive me.

"Really, Harry. Am I really the one you should be apologising to?" he asked, "Do you have _any _idea how upset Hermione got?"

"...No, I don't, but I can imagine. But I am really sorry for that. I don't know why my mood was so bad. I just lashed out at all and everyone. And that included you and 'Mione. I'm really sorry. I don't want to lose my best friends over this, I truly don't."

When Ron had started yelling at me I had felt my eyes tear up and my voice was unsteady during a large part of the conversation. I felt so bad about what I had done and that it had taken me so long to contact my friends again.

"Please, _please, _forgive me."

"Oh Harry..." I could almost hear his sigh over the stupid friend that was me as he continued. "Of course I forgive you. We know you didn't mean it, you know? But it still hurt Hermione. That you would actually call her... _that._ Just like one of those snobs who think we shouldn't be at school."

"I know, I know! And I feel horrible about it." I think I was sobbing slightly by this time and Ron's answer came out panicked.

"Hey, hey, mate, take it easy! It's alright. I forgive you, and I know 'Mione will too."

"Thanks Ron," I said shakily, "but I might need your help with Hermione."

"Haha, yeah, she can be a bit tough at times."

We chatted for a while longer, and it felt good to be catching up with him. He told me how Lavender had got together with Dean, but we both laughed at the thought. They wouldn't last a month. Lavender was too demanding for a laid-back guy like Dean. And he had heard from Ginny that the Patil's had swore never to date again after Seamus had cheated on the both of them. It was nothing essential, but I had missed it. So badly. For a while I completely forgot about Draco and what had taken place the evening before.

Then we got to planning on how I would get back in Hermione's good graces. I wanted to call her straight after I hung up with Ron, but he didn't think it would be a good idea.

"It's better to meet her face to face, mate. Show your affection by hugging her would be a hundred times better than a phone call, trust me."

I had to agree with that, but I still weren't allowed out of the hospital, so going to her place was out of the question. Instead, Ron promised he would manage to get her to where I was, hopefully that day even.

I don't know what he told her to make her go to the hospital, but later that day they both showed up. I hadn't known when they would come, so when they did I wasn't prepared. The speech I had prepared in beforehand that I was going to present to Hermione was wiped from my mind. Instead I wove my way over to them on my crutches and undeterred by her unhappy glare I threw myself, as good as I could, around her neck, hugging her close and telling her how sorry I was for what I said, and what a fool I had been. And it turned out Ron had been completely right when he pushed for a meeting. She melted against me and hit my back and told me how stupid I had been and cried.

When it was all over she straightened up and grabbed my shoulders.

"I forgive you, Harry James Potter, but if you ever do such a thing again, my friendship won't be so cheap."

I nodded. "Of course not. And it will never happen again. Ever."

She nodded back.

"Of course it wont. Now..." She moved back and peered at me. "I want to know how your rehab is going. Actually, better you take me to your nurse and let her tell me."

* * *

I slept well that night, and the next day Draco showed up.

"Hey there," he said as he leaned over my bed, "hope you're not too tired to spend some time with me today. I heard you had an active day yesterday."

"Draco!" I exclaimed, suddenly aware that my heart beat faster. "Of course I'm not too tired!"

A smile lit his face then, shining like a sun. The emotion that had made his eyes darker disappeared with it and he seemed just like normal again. But it made me a bit uneasy. The night he had been over before, I had definitively felt like something special would have happened, if Blaise hadn't interrupted us. Like a teenage girl I had been hoping for a kiss. But had it all been my imagination, or did Draco feel something for me in return? I didn't know if I had the courage to ask, not about that. But Draco solved the problem for me.

"Hey, Harry..." he said, and grabbed my hand, running a finger down its back. "I know this might seem stupid, but..." He hesitated and shifted a bit in his seat.

"I like you. And this might be presumptuous of me, but I think you like me too."

I blushed beet-red. And I was also incredibly happy. It was ridiculous, I had barely known him for a couple of weeks, and in addition to that, he was a man. It wasn't so much that homosexuality was something unknown to me, but as it was something I had never really considered it before. But now the thought hit me, and the first thing that came to mind was something uncle Vernon said.

"Those damn fags are ruining this country! I bet you'll grow up to become one of them, boy!"

So my answer came out twisted and wrong, destroying my happiness in a second.

"I do like you, Draco... but... I...I … I'm not going to become a fag."

It was not a good answer. Draco's eyes went dark again and he dropped my hand.

"What kinda answer was that?"

His tone was much colder than I had ever heard it and in a haste I tried to explain myself.

"Wait, no, that came out wrong. What I mean to say was, that this is really new to me. All of it. And then that we're both boys. I, I never though about this before. So, um..."

I'm not sure what his answer would have been, but at that moment Ron and Hermione bundled into the room, happily greeting me. And Draco only said that he would see me later and left. Just before my friends reached me Blaised ripped the curtain away from this bed and gave me a malicious smirk.

"Well, you handled that well, now didn't you?"

I couldn't even bring myself to give a comeback. Then the curious questions from Ron and Hermione started raining down on me. I sank back in the bed, despairing at how the situation had turned out.

* * *

Right. Well, perhaps not too much action in this chapter, right? And yes, I do realise that problems and relationships might appear to be solved easily or move on very quickly. Well, there is a reason for that, and by next chapter this story should be moving in a slightly darker direction. Hopefully no one has any problems with that^^

As always, Please R&R!


	3. Chapter 3

_Hmm, we're finally getting somewhere. And this update is to show my readers that I am indeed still alive and kicking, and working on my stories, though the others are all in half-finished states.  
_

**Chapter 3**

As hard as I tried, I simply couldn't enjoy the presence of my two best friends. They chatted to me happily, but I could only muster half-hearted responses. And of course that wouldn't go unnoticed. They had barely been there for ten minutes before Hermione brought the subject up.

"Harry, are you feeling al-right today? You're being very silent. We could come back later, you know, if you are feeling tired."

Despite that, I really did not want them to go. I hadn't yet told them about Draco, and with the sudden problems I ached to share it with them, even though I wasn't sure how they would react. But the problem was Zabini, eternally sitting just a curtain away, able to hear anything I talked about with my friends. And I sure didn't want _him_ to know, I didn't want him to hear my confession that I was in love, for the first time and with a man. I didn't want him to know that I felt like I had blew it all just now and that I did not think I would have any chance left for salvation. It was enough that he had heard Draco telling me that he liked me, and that he had heard my screw up. He didn't need to know about my feelings too.

"Ah... I'm feeling fine 'Mione... Just a bit tired...maybe-..."

But I was interrupted by the arrival of a nurse, who scolded Zabini in a nasal voice as she reached his bed. He was supposed to have been at the doctor's office half an hour ago, but for some reason he hadn't left. Now she dragged him out, almost by the ear, because he was recovered now, just a final doctor's check up before he could be allowed to leave. And then I was alone in the room with Ron and Hermione.

"Hum, so he's leaving, huh?" Ron commented, not bothering to hide the relief in his voice. They hadn't met him often but Zabini's way of looking down on everyone hadn't gone unnoticed.

"Yeah, he's leaving..."

I felt eternally grateful. The room was silent after his departing and I could finally relax a little. I was alone with my two best friends and I felt like I could tell them anything.

"Actually, there is something I want to talk to you about..."

Hermione turned her face around and zeroed in on mine. She had that victorious look she always got when it turned out that she was, once again, right. "Tell us!" she urged me on, and grabbing my hand for comfort.

"You know you can tell us anything, Harry."

She was always too sweat. So willing to forgive me despite my previous horrible behaviour. It was as if it had never happened, and I loved her for that. Ron sat silently next to her, he too had an expression that was encouraging me to speak to them.

"Oh, Hermione! I'm a fool..." I squeezed her hand back and her look turned even more concerned for it. "I feel like I have messed everything up... and I don't even know how to fix it!"

"Harry..." it was Ron this time, surprisingly, "why don't you tell us what happened?"

And so I did. It started out slow and with plenty of stutters, but as always, the further ahead I got, the more smoothly the words flowed. But I can't say I wasn't anxious about how they would react. Would they turn away from me in disgust when they realised that I was gay, or would they accept me for who I was? Maybe the concept would be too alien for them and go straight over their heads. I didn't know, but I wanted to know, I needed to hope that my two best friends would be able to support me in this, because I knew that I would never be able to support myself and go through with it otherwise.

I finished the story and raised my eyes from the place on the covers that they had been resting on previously. Ron was white in the face and he looked stunned, Hermione on the other hand she looked like... well, she looked like Hermione. Bright and intelligent and with an expression again that some theory of hers had been confirmed to be right. She was even nodding a bit to herself, adding together the pieces in her mind.

"I think it's great!" she exclaimed. Being of quite an opposing opinion I could only stare at her, just like Ron did.

"Great?" he asked her, "How can this be great? I don't see anything _great_ in this Hermione."

My heart stopped in my chest. I knew it, my best friend hated my guts now. Never again would we stay up late at the Burrow, watching the horror films that Mrs. Weasley had forbidden us to watch, never again would we... I stopped my panic before it had the time to kick in completely. No, no, Ron wouldn't hate me for that. He didn't look disgusted or hateful. In fact, he almost seemed to sympathise.

"Aww, mate, don't give me that look. I've always known you were a bit of a poofer."

Then he smiled at me and I couldn't help but laugh at the joke, despite the bad taste. It was just so like Ron, and I was just so relieved that they didn't hate me. And then I was enveloped in a hug. Hermione's bushy hair tickled my nose and I realised that I wasn't laughing any more, I was crying.

"Oh, Harry! You can fix this, you know. You haven't destroyed your chances."

But I was completely sure that I had. After all, hadn't I been the one to push Draco away from me, the one who hurt his feelings so badly?

Hermione and Ron left a little while after that and I was left alone in the hospital room. There had been no new room-mate assigned to me just yet and the silence felt somehow deafening. I almost missed Blaise there for a while, our banter had managed to keep my mind of other things, but now there was just me and my thoughts. And despite Hermione's reassurances I didn't feel okay at all. All I wanted to do was to run to the phone and call Draco up, and to apologise, apologise, apologise, until he forgave me. But I didn't dare. In my mind I feared his rejection of me more than anything. He would never be able to forgive me for my words, after all, I was not worth it.

That night Death came to visit again. His presence woke me up in the middle of the night, but he was just standing there, looking down at me. Almost as if he was pitying me... Which was truly ridiculous. Because I believed that there was no way he could have any feelings.

"So who died now, huh?" I asked him, sarcasm dripping from every word. He was a poor substitute for consolation, and he had awoken me from a dream where I was happy again, and Draco wasn't mad at me.

"_No one. I came for you."_

His comment woke me up for real. Had he come, finally, to take me away? Would he grant me that I had begged off him now? Now? And suddenly I got angry. I felt that it was not fair of that selfish creature to grant me death now that I had finally stopped asking for it. I showed it, as I screamed and ranted, hitting him where there were fabric separating him from me and cursing. He didn't move despite how much I hit him, and it was as if he could not even feel my fists as they pummelled his body.

That was the first time I had ever touched Death, and beneath the cover of a refined gentleman I could feel every bone that made up his body. And the chill that seemed to freeze my knuckles. Death was so cold.

Eventually, I just ended up crying again.

"_You will not die today. Today I came for you."_

He left me with those words and I felt like the biggest fool for it.

* * *

I spent a couple of days just moping around, going through the motions lifelessly. Rehab were really starting to pay of and the nurses promised me that I would be able to leave the hospital soon, even though I would have to come to train my muscles for a while yet. The news should have been the greatest I had had for a long time, but somehow it didn't matter for me where I was. Whether I was sulking in the hospital or in my small room at my uncle's didn't do any difference. The one time I actually came alive was when I decided, over and over, to call Draco. I would stand in front of the phone out in the hall, sometimes waiting in line for my turn, trying to convince myself to call him. I had already memorised his number after all those times standing and simply staring at the phone, for minutes, usually, but I also went in the night, where I could stare at it for hours. Yet calling never won over chickening out.

I think I could have spent my time like that forever, at least that's what it felt like at the time, if it hadn't been for the sudden reappearance of Blaise. I saw him before he entered the room, and I expected that he was back for a routine rehab, or check-up or something of the kind. Something that would be a waste of money on him. But he didn't walk past the room, instead he headed straight for the bed where I was moping.

"What do you want?" I asked sulkily. And then I took a second look at him. He did not look as pristine as he had always made sure to be, even when in hospital gown.

"I can't believe I'm finding your useless arse here, Potter!" he almost cried, "Why aren't you with Draco!"

Suddenly my heart felt like it stopped. Why was I supposed to be with Draco... I never had the time to ask, because he blurted out,

"He got hit by a car, you asshole, and you don't even care!"

That time my heart really stopped for a second before I was racing down the hall and throwing myself on the phone. My hands were shaking as I entered Draco's number and for every beep that sounded I got more and more worried. I didn't have any time to think about how much he hated me, nor be afraid of rejection. All that mattered at the moment was that he was safe and sound.

"Hello?"

I could hardly believe it, Draco answered! He was okay!

"Draco!" I cried in the phone, "Draco... Draco... Draco..."

"Harry?" he asked, "Is something wrong?"

I broke down then, completely and utterly. And I said the words I had been wanting to say for so long, because they needed to be said and I didn't want him to die before hearing them.

"I'm sorry! I'm so so so sorry! I was stupid, I was a fool! Please forgive me, Draco...! I like you so much, please forgive me!"

There was a moment of shocked silence on the other end of the phone. And then a loud breath of relief.

"Harry, you have nothing to apologise for. If anything I should be the one to apologise for being so stupid. I was so afraid that you had rejected me that I didn't dare come visit you again."

I felt just like laughing. Hadn't it all been just so stupid? The both of us had been so silly and afraid of the same thing, while both wanted nothing but to be together.

Then a thought came to me. Wasn't Draco injured? He didn't sound like he was in pain, in fact he sounded like he felt better than ever.

"Draco?" I asked and as he hmm'ed I said, "are you al-right?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

At that moment I heard a snigger coming from my left. Blaise was standing and laughing at me, at my worry and my naivety for believing his trick. But I couldn't be mad at him, not really. However, when he continued to mock me even after I had put the phone down with a promise that Draco would come and meet me the day after, I did feel my temper rising.

Suddenly it was just like old times again, with Blaise mocking me and my sharp retorts making him even more annoying. But it was fine like that, at least for the moment. Because something had changed in the way I viewed Blaise then, he wasn't just the annoying spoiled brat, but almost... a friend.

* * *

Somehow, my relationship with Draco took of after that. Once I left the hospital we spent a lot of time with each other, talking, walking, dinners, films, all of those couple activities we could think of. And it was the greatest time of my life. I suppose it's safe to say that my friends might have felt a little bit abandoned, and this created a rift in our trio. We were growing apart, though I don't think any of us noticed at the time. I still met the two now and then, and went over to Ron's house where his mom would complain over how thin I was and heap more and more food on my plate. But as I was happily settled in a relationship, it seemed to be the cue that Ron and Hermione had been waiting for as they started dating too. Even Death, as much as he could be counted as a friend, kept his distance.

After a year had passed me and Draco moved in together in a apartment his dad had managed to get a hold of for us. Lucius was an interesting man, for as much as he seemed to despise me, and in addition the fact that his son was dating a man, he actually managed to overcome his dislike and somewhat accept me into the family. Or rather, he accepted the fact that I was there to stay, but he would not accept me. And while Draco wanted more, I took it for what it was; as much of a welcome as I would get from the Malfoy family.

This was when things started going bad for us. It wasn't horrible, but we both clearly noticed that the feeling of being newly in love had long since passed and we started fighting. Often it was over small things, things which were of no importance, really. Then came that day.

"Harry!" Draco screamed, "didn't I already tell you to be home early today?"

I only shrugged in response as I took of my coat. It wasn't even that I was that late, the hour had just passed 6, but still, Draco was in a fit.

"You always do this! Didn't I tell you I have an important meeting today? And that I needed to eat early to get there in time?"

"Sorry," I said, in a way that probably showed that I wasn't sorry at all. I felt like he was just throwing a hissy fit, nagging over the small detail. Why did he feel it was necessary to eat together with me, anyway?

"Well, sorry you say, but that doesn't change the fact that I will have to go to that meeting hungry, now does it?"

At that point I started to get riled up too. Why was it so damn important that we eat together? So that's what I asked him. He didn't respond for a while, instead he simply went to put on his shoes. Just before going out he turned around and told me.

"Because, unlike you, I actually cherish the time we spend together."

And then he was gone. All of a sudden I felt so bad it was unbelievable. But then my stubborn side kicked in and I got angry again. How could he accuse me of not cherishing our time together? Of course I did. I was still there, wasn't I? If I hadn't cherished the time I would have left long ago. If it wasn't for the fact that I still loved him despite all our fights.

I was still slightly annoyed a couple of hours later when the doorbell tolled. It was Blaise, and I almost didn't recognise him when he didn't give me a snappy comment as I opened the door. Or maybe it was the fact that his eyes were red and his cheeks shone as if he had been crying.

"Harry..." he said, "Harry, Draco's dead!"

* * *

_Ahaha, a lot happened in this chapter it feels like. I needed to fastforward part of the story, as you could see, to get to the fun part, well according to me._

_Please R&R! I know I don't have that many readers for this story but the more that reviews, the happier I get, haha._


	4. Chapter 4

_Hi! Sorry for the slow updates, as always. But I have a bit of an excuse for this one. It is the final chapter, it is about twice as long as my normal chapters and boy, was it hard to write it so I felt satisfied! At least half of it has been pondered over and re-written, and the ending was really really hard to write. But hopefully it is good. _

_Thanks to all faithful readers for sticking with me!_

**Chapter 4**

I stared at Blaise silently for a minute before laughing in his face. Was he really so stupid as to try to pull that one over me again? Really?

"Yeah right, Blaise." I told him. "Why don't you try something new this time?"

And without waiting for any response from him I shut the door in his face. I had had about enough from him always taking Draco's side, always making it out to be my fault. While it was fine when he would come and whine at me, telling me to treat Draco better, trying to scare me again was not something okay. Despite all of our falling outs I still loved Draco more than anything, really, why else would I have been staying at his side all this time if I hadn't? But mine and Draco's problems were just that, _our _problems. Blaise would always but in and try to fix things, to mend it between us. Or yell at me to take my ungrateful arse out of his friend's apartment and out of his life.

That was always the time when Draco would interrupt him, funnily enough. He'd sit quietly by as his best friend spewed gall over me, but every time Blaise would even think to mention that I should disappear, he would come to my rescue. And after that, well, it was fairly obvious that we would make up. Because no matter what we were fighting about I couldn't stop myself from forgiving him when he stood up for me.

Even though I had laughed at Blaise when he told me Draco was dead, as the hours passed I found myself more and more worried. I knew he was at a business meeting, and really, I knew well enough that those could take hours, my lover could be gone late into the night, but it didn't take long until I found myself watching the clock, seeing the minutes pass by and wonder where Draco really was. I didn't want to even breach the possibility that he was dead, instead my mind conjured up images of him, angry and drunk, spending the night having restless and violent sex with someone he didn't even care about. Those images didn't hurt even half as bad as what they developed into, because at first, Draco would always come back in the end. But when it was getting closer to ten, my mind started circling around the possibility that he might, never, come back again.

That feeling started growing stronger and stronger as I sat there, and if it hadn't been for the rustle of keys in the lock I'm not sure what I would have done. As it was, I just felt so incredibly relieved that instead of continuing the fight, like we would probably have done otherwise, I just ran over to him, intent on drowning him in love.

"Draco!" I exclaimed as I went over and pulled him into a hug, "I missed you!"

He didn't answer me, and as I tried to move over and kiss him, he dodged out of the way and left me standing alone in the hallway. I felt cold and confused, and with a more intense feeling of heartbreak than I would have expected. Even though I had tried to patch things up with him he still just wanted to fight. He was still mad at me.

I didn't understand why he was acting like that. No matter how mad he had been before, I had never been so bluntly ignored. This fuelled the anger that had previously been hidden by worry and I followed Draco to where he was standing in our bedroom, getting ready for bed.

"You complete arsehole." I hissed, "I was trying to make up with you! It really wasn't that big of a deal, you know, me being late for dinner. It certainly didn't warrant for you to ignore me like this!"

He still didn't answer me. Wouldn't even look at me, actually.

"Well, have you nothing to say to me? You can't keep ignoring me forever, you know! I don't know what came over you to act like this, was it because I didn't buy that stupid scheme I'm sure you set Blaise up to do?"  
His only answer was shaking his head. Not a word had come out of his mouth since he got home, and it made me so furious.

"Argh!" I screamed, "Why won't you even look at me!"

I turned to grab his face then, but he flipped my hand away with his arm, as if I wasn't worthy of touching him. I was speechless. How dared he do that to me?

"Oh...!"

Without uttering another word I spun around and marched out, slamming the door behind me. If that bastard wasn't going to act like I even existed, well, then I saw no reason for staying in that apartment.

The outside air was cool against my skin, and while I normally relished in the peace that came from being outside on a summer night, at that time I just couldn't. This fight hadn't been like the others. At least I knew what he was thinking when we stood and screamed at the other until the neighbours complained. But being given the silence treatment was simply the worst. It was like being at the Dursley's all over again, all those times when I had actually been doing everything my aunt and uncle had wanted from me. At those times they would just act like I wasn't there, and the saddest thing was that I had used to relish those moments. The only time when I got some semblance of peace.

But it was different when Draco did it. Just so different. He had never treated me like the Dursley's did, and while he had been the one to save me from living there any more, him acting like them hurt worse than anything.

As I stumbled through the park I realised I was crying. I just felt so miserable and my memories from the past kept returning to slap me in the face. Aunt Petunia backhanding me for dropping a pan, uncle Vernon showing me out of the way for no reason at all, and worst when they ganged up on me, the both of them, mocking my parents. I'm not even sure why they did it. Why my father being of a different religion was such a hard thing for them to accept. I would always end up crying when they went at it, even though my parents were but a distant memory, a feeling of a smiling face and love. Yet as they mocked my parents I could feel that it was also aimed at me.

I felt pathetic, walking around like that. Driven out of the house by my insensitive lover, crying and reminiscing about my horrid relatives. It was ridiculous. I was stronger than that, I could handle a bit of misfortune, I should have been able to handle a bit of misfortune. But the thought just made me feel all the more sad, and I sank down on the first park bench I found.

I recalled a time when I could have called Ron in a situation like that, and he would have taken me out to get disgustingly smashed, and we would have roamed the streets, leaning on each other. But I couldn't do that any more, even though I still had his number in my phone. My former best friend was busy living his life with his beautiful wife, and by then, probably some lovely kids. And by god did I miss him. I missed everything from back then, I missed lying in the hospital, the hours dragging on and on. But it was worth the waiting when Draco showed up and the time he spent there would just fly away. Then there was Death. He never really said anything, but he had always shown up when I needed him the most. I hadn't seen him for years now, at least not because he came to see me. I could catch a glimpse every now and then, but nothing more. He was an entity that had disappeared from my life now. Just like everyone else that had at one time meant something.

But I was wrong about that. As I sat, moping on the bench, I suddenly found that someone was sitting next to me. As I turned my head and caught sight of a mop of blonde hair my heart lifted. It was Draco and I was sure he had come to apologise to me. It wasn't until he started speaking that I realised just how wrong I was.

"Took you long enough." I muttered, keeping up an annoyed façade even though I wasn't even that upset with him at the moment. My heart was fluttering with happiness that he was there and of the understanding that he cared enough to come running after me.

"_I didn't know you had been waiting."_

And there the illusion shattered. It wasn't Draco after all, just lousy old Death. While his company would have been comforting earlier, the revelation that I wasn't important enough for Draco to come after me hurt badly.

"Why are _you_ here?" I asked him, spite in my voice. I didn't want to hate him, but I at that moment I couldn't help but to take out my rage and disappointment on him. He didn't respond to my question. He didn't need a reason to be there, actually, but as he had been gone for so many years I almost felt like he wasn't allowed to be there in my moment of pain. After all, I hadn't gone to Ron and we used to be much closer than I was to Death. Yet it was different with Death. He wasn't a friend, but he was a constant factor in my life, one that could not be discarded no matter how long it had been since I last met him. He would always be the same, and in a way, he was always there when I needed him.

"How come you are the only thing I can rely on, huh?"

I don't know if my question caught him off-guard, or even if anything could catch Death off-guard, but he was silent for a while before answering.

"_I'm the only thing humans can ever really rely on._"

And at that moment I truly felt like it was the truth.

* * *

I went home not long after that, and Death just disappeared without making a noise or even drawing any attention to himself. Draco was asleep in the bed and because I still felt mad at him I slept on the couch. It never felt like the sleep was very deep, but when I woke in the morning Draco had already gone to work and I hadn't even noticed. But I did notice the thing which woke me up and that was the insistent knocking on the door.

"Harry! Harry! Open up already!"

It seemed as if Blaise was back again, here to yell at me that I wasn't good enough for Draco again. I couldn't even be bothered with opening the door. Instead I flipped open the cover of the mail-slot.

"What is it, Blaise?"

There was no immediate response, but a second later I found myself facing Blaise through the tiny gap. It might have been the bad angle and light, but he looked, if possible, even worse than the day before. But he was glaring at me, and that was familiar.

"Harry, open the door like a normal person. I really need to talk to you."

I shook my head and told him that I didn't feel like it.

"Potter, stop messing around!" he must have been really upset, because after endless of nagging from Draco, Blaise and I had started calling the other by first names and that was something he never broke. Once you got to a first name basis with Blaise there was no going back. "Open the bloody door and let me in already!"

I shrugged. While I was sure he would only spring more tales of Draco's death on me, I supposed it was quite rude to leave him standing out there.

"Come on in!"

He didn't, however. Instead he grabbed hold of my shoulders, with a grip that almost made me wince. That combined with the utter sorrow that was painted on his face almost made me believe that he was telling the truth when he blurted out that I should listen to him and that Draco was _dead!_ The only reason why I didn't believe him was because of the fact that Draco had returned the night before, and that he was most definitively alive and well. Well enough, in fact, to keep holding a grudge on me.

"It's amazing how good your acting has become, Blaise!" I exclaimed, "Really, you almost had me convinced, even though I know for sure that Draco is alive and kicking."

His face fell as I said that.

"Do you still think this is some kind of joke? Harry, you have to come to your senses! Why won't you accept the truth?"

While it had been amusing at first, his continued insistence was starting to piss me off. I was sure that it was Draco who had set him up to do this and since the blonde brat obviously was mad at me, he hadn't even bothered with calling it off, knowing how much it would annoy me.

"Look, Blaise," I said and dragged his hands of my shoulders, "while this might have been slightly amusing yesterday, Draco still refuses to make his peace with me and I am not in the mood, so please, please, just turn around and leave."

I helped him along with a good shove and slammed the door after him. The action made me feel quite good, until I realised that he hadn't left yet. He was still pounding the door and calling my name.

"GO AWAY!"

I couldn't stop myself from shouting at him. What was wrong with him anyway? He was being even more obnoxious than when I first met him, and considering how much I used to hate him, that said a lot. So obviously he didn't move from the spot anyway, and all through breakfast I felt like the knocking was driving me nuts.

He had gone away by the time I came out of the showers and I could only breathe a sigh of relief. Finally some peace and quiet. For the moment I felt almost happy.

* * *

By the time I got home from work that feeling was gone. Draco had arrived home before me, but just like the night before he didn't say a word to me, even though he did look up when I came in. The fact that he was still ignoring me was making me furious. After all, I had not done anything that was bad enough to warrant the silent treatment. So, acting like a child, I decided to treat him in the same way. We ate the dinner I had cooked in silence and even sat next to each other while watching the telly, but not a word was spoken. During that time I even refused to really look at him, even though I noticed him staring at me with a forlorn expression on his face from time to time. But in my anger all I could think was "serves you right."

We slept in separate rooms that night too, and the next morning Draco was gone again. It wasn't until then that sadness hit me again. How long would we stay like this, never saying a word to the other and not acknowledging the other's existence? At that moment I was sure, completely sure, that this was the end of our relationship. We would split up without even a word traded between the two of us, and it would end with my moving out in silence. I would never even find out the reason as to why he was so angry at me.

I called in sick that day, unable to go to work because of the sadness that sat lodged in my chest. All day I did nothing but sit and stare at the clock, watching it move slowly forward to the time when Draco was going to come home from work. The phone rang a couple of times during the day and when I didn't pick up the answering machine cheerfully recorded the message that was left.

It was Blaise again. He was still keeping up the charade, insisting that Draco was dead, and that he was to be buried that Saturday. At that point I found that he was really pushing it too far, a joke could only be tolerated that much. I ran around the couch to pick up the phone, but when I got there he had already ended the call before I could vent my frustration on him. So instead I tore the answering machine out of its socket and threw it on the ground. The carpeted floor wasn't enough to break it, so I stepped on it a couple of times for good measure.

That took care of whatever anger I had left, and for the next few hours I was slumped down on the floor next to it.

At exactly 6.32 pm Draco came home. He looked almost as weary as I felt and I could simply not keep ignoring him. Rushing up from where I was sitting I confronted him, my hand gripping his arm. It was cold, almost chilling me to the bone and I felt a pang of sympathy that he must be freezing.

"Draco!" I said, "What have I done that is so horrible that you can't even yell at me for it? When did you start hating me?"

I was going to say more, tell him every thought I had had for the last two days, but my throat constricted and I found myself crying instead. Crying almost desperately and my hand felt weak as it fell from his arm.

He didn't give me any explanation, instead he simply pulled me into his arms and whispered an apology in my ear.

"I'm sorry."

The voice sounded odd, strangely hollow and distant, but it was heartfelt.

We slept together that night, even though I kept tossing and turning because I was freezing. Draco must have been cold too, because when I touched him his skin was like ice.

Perhaps that was the thing that should have tipped me off and made me vary long before I actually realised it, yet it didn't. I was relieved that we had made up and filled with joy simply because I could feel his strong arms holding me while we slept and that was something I had been missing dearly. Because I didn't realise it, I was completely sure that things would be fine now, and that everything was al-right. I didn't even mind finding that Draco had already left when I woke up. He had always kept a much busier schedule so it was nothing unusual.

That day passed almost instantly. At least until I realised that it was Friday, which would mean that I and Draco could have a whole day for ourselves, just spending time together and really making sure that everything was the way they should be. The new realisation brought the quick pace to a halt and I felt as if the day would simply not end. When I finally got of work it was with a spring to my step that I almost ran out, eager to get home before Draco to surprise him with a romantic dinner.

Things did not quite turn out the way I had wanted them to, because when my lover finally got home, much later than I had expected, leaving the food cold and dull, the oppressive silence was back. But despite the fact that Draco did not say a word to me as I chattered over dinner, he still did everything he could to make me feel loved. There was the small smiles, the gentle touches and nods when he agreed with something I said, but he still wouldn't say a word to me. It saddened me, because even thought I believed we had made up, there was still something wrong.

Yet I didn't bring it up that night. I didn't want to start another fight. And I didn't feel as if the silence was because of something I had done, no, I almost felt as if Draco's love was tangible in the air from the way he acted and from the way he cuddled close to me in the couch that night, his eyes never focusing on the screen, but only on me.

We did spend the next day together, even though the day felt just like I did when I woke up in his arms, cold. And there was something... something that was bothering me about Draco, but my mind would not let me find out just what it was. So I went out, after our lunch, without Draco. It was an attempt to clear my mind, to work the stress out of my body.

It didn't work, instead I found myself walking faster and further away than I had even planned until I ended up in a cemetery. It was widespread, almost to the point where I couldn't see the end of it. But before me was a church and I could hear voices from a ceremony, low voices breaking out in a hymn and the melodious speech from a priest.

It sent shivers down my spine.

I was terrified of going closer, I had been at funerals before and they had never made me feel like that. So I told myself that it was nonsense and ignored all of my urges to turn around and run away, never to return to that place. It felt like forever for me to get close enough to hear what the priest said, close enough to realise that the funeral wasn't taking place in the church, but a little bit beyond it. And it took another forever for me to realise that the person who went up to hold a speech for their dearly departed was Blaise.

That was when I ran, with my heart trying to pound out of my chest and my brain going haywire. He hadn't been lying..! Blaise wasn't lying! And I had known it, hadn't I? I had realised that something was so very wrong with Draco, almost like he was another person. And there was only one answer as to who it was.

My mind slowly wrapped itself around the new reality and the walk I had taken extended itself until it was dark out. That's when I went home. Because it was time for him to look me in the eye.

**The End. **


End file.
